This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just want nice things and good sex
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
