At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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