So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
