Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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