I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Who died my cat blue again?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
