I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
