I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
