while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
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