sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
