I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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