my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
