the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I came so hard my ears popped.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
