my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
