Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
