Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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