yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
