Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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