drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Swine flu is the new snow day.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
