im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
