Cold hands, warm shart.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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