If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
