I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
