i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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