The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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