if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
