Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
