If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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