I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
