Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
