Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
