I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
