Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize