Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
