Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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