He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
