My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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