Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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