Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
