Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
