I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
