I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
