Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
home. puking in laundry basket.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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