You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
