She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
