I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
