Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
