I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
