She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
