Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
