Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
