Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
