the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
