i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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